PrintMonitoring My Mortality (1)
I don't want to become obsessed with this medical drama in my life at the moment but, at the same time, I don't want to miss anything that I am meant to learn. I mean, it's not everyday that one's GP says, "You've got cancer"! For me, the best way to monitor the unfolding experience is to journal my thoughts and feelings about this human reality called mortality.
What has been my response to the news 5 weeks ago that I had cancer in my right kidney and the subsequent surgery?
[1] My first response to this news was one of stunned silence. Yet my immediate sense was that this was not a death sentence. I shared that inner awareness with Bev to see if she had a similar response. She did. I said to her something like……
"I'm not desperately clutching at straws when I say that I don't believe that this is some kind of death sentence. I'm not in denial. I realize that I most probably have a cancerous growth on one of my kidneys and, that being the case, I will most likely surgically lose that kidney in the very near future. Yet, acknowledging that reality, my sense is that I will live beyond this whole experience. I'm not trying to manufacture this awareness. It's just there within me. Quiet. Restful."
[2] I find it more than a little significant that this cancer was found almost by "accident" – if you believe in such things. So far as the original purpose of the CT Scan was concerned, all was clear. However, the examination did expose a "lesion arising from the right kidney and the appearance is highly suspicious for a renal cell carcinoma". In laymen's terms, cancer in the right kidney.
Since that initial discovery I have had a number of medical people ask me why I had the CT Scan (since there were no symptoms that would prompt such a procedure). When I told them that the CT Scan was for something else, they have simply shaken their collective heads and said something like, "You are one lucky man. This kind of cancer doesn't usually present symptoms until it is well advanced. It's what we call a "silent grower".
I have had no symptoms that would suggest that anything is amiss, urologically speaking. My GP tells me that there is nothing in my most recent blood test that would suggest any problems. The way that this discovery was made is, for me, a cause of great thanksgiving. To this moment that attitude of gratitude bubbles up within me.
It continues to be my primary response.
