PrintJournal 24
21 July, 2015
My love,
This afternoon I did some shopping and as I was about to leave I saw some lovely roses for sale at the front of the supermarket. My instinctive reaction was to go over and buy some for you. It suddenly occurred to me that I couldn’t do that…ever again. As you know I have not been the greatest giver of flowers over the years. Mostly on special occasions and just a few times out of that zone.
But never again. The experience was a rather stark reminder of how much I miss you.
Grief expressions vary from person to person, I’m sure. For me, a sense of loneliness is proving to be a major component of my grief. While some people talk about being “desperately lonely”, that’s not the way I would describe my experience.
For me, loneliness is something that settles on me in the evening. It’s probably coming home to our empty unit that triggers the awareness that, yet again, you won’t be there. Then that sense of “aloneness” begins to permeate my emotions my mind. Sometimes I “tear up”. I also find that I do a lot of heavy sighing lately.
The strange thing about loneliness is that I can experience the “aloneness” of grief in the midst of a crowd of people. I don’t have to be alone to experience aloneness. I can’t really explain that any further.
People have to get on with their lives. Of course they do! But as I hear their plans and their everyday conversation, I feel that I am listening to what I no longer have. All this got me thinking to what Jesus said about His experience of aloneness:
“A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. John 16:32 (NIV)
So the responsibilities of daily life “scatter” my network of friends each to their own home. It feels like they have left me alone. What I have to learn is that the Father is with me and to lean hard on that fact.
Anyway, my love, time goes b y and I need to close and write again soon
But until then….
You remain the love of my life
Mike
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