PrintJournal 28
4 August, 2015
Hello my love,
As the journey picks up pace, my engagement with grief seems to intensify. I’ve read umpteen books about the progress and process of grief over the years. But sometimes my head knowledge about the clinical aspects of grief and grieving don’t seem to “cut it” in the heart.
One of our friends here in our Village made the observation that your death would leave a huge hole in my heart and life. At that stage I could only agree with him theoretically. Now I can emotionally agree with him. I miss you so much that it hurts.
Sometimes I feel that my grief process is very selfish. What I am feeling at the moment is impossible. Why? Because I want you to come home now. You have been away long enough. That hole that has been left in my heart needs to be filled and healed and your return is the only way that I can see that happening.
But then I picture you in the last three months of your earthly life; in the wheelchair, then the power chair and finally the loss of your physical capacity to do virtually anything and I am smitten with guilt. “How could I be so selfish as to wish you back into that situation just so that my relational needs are met.
Please forgive me, my love. No, you are right. I don’t want you back (even if that was possible) if that means a return to suffering for you. How could I profess to love you and yet give the highest priority to my own needs? I think we learned the folly of that approach to our life together while we were here on earth.
I had dinner last night with T and R. It was good to be reminded again of the many people who have come into our lives over the years. People who have been Kingdom gifts to us. Mr. Parkinson puts some people on edge while others seem to ignore him and his symptoms. While the progress of Mr. Parkinson is quite slow, he is still able to make me feel awkward at times.
I’ve been reflecting lately on these last 4 months since you went “home” and, again, thinking about those questions I first mentioned in Letter No. 5 (or thereabouts) ; questions that longed for answers as you broke free from your diseased body.
Did you see Jesus?
What about our son, Philip?
Is our understanding of heaven somewhere near the reality of what we have imagined and/or been taught?
Do you have any recollection of your life with us?
I will write again soon (and more positively, I hope!!)
But until then…
You remain the love of my life
Mike
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