PrintJournal 5 + Letter
28 May, 2015
My Darling,
I’m quite sure in my own mind that you will never read what I write in my “Letters to Bev” but writing thus will help me to process my grief and loss as well as being a creative way of writing my journal. I don’t think people ought to worry about my questions. They certainly should worry if I begin to think you are answering them!!
Imagining this way (i.e. explaining my feelings to you) may help me clarify issues so I can better explain them to others. Maybe. The letters will be open for others to read so I need to have some boundaries.
Where to start? I often wonder what was happening for you in the last few hours leading up to 1.55am on Sunday April 12th. I think you know that our children were with me in room 9. I recall that I was talking to you even though you seemed to be deeply asleep. We all knew that your death was imminent.
I saw you open your left eye and you seemed to be looking right at me. Then your eye slowly closed and “the resident left the building”. You were gone but so many questions remain. Did you see Jesus? What about our son, Philip? Is our understanding of heaven somewhere near the reality? Do you have any recollection of your life with us?
While I realise that I will never know the answers to these questions (and that’s OK), I still wonder about such things from time to time. I think that makes me normal.
I miss you terribly, my love. Our children are very caring of their dear old Dad. I am also surrounded by caring folk here at Aminya. Having lived on my own for the 12 months you were in High Care is helping me to adjust. But the sense of your absence is very powerful.
Since you couldn’t be there, in my next letter I want to tell you about your funeral and “Celebration of Life” Service!!
But until then…..
You remain the love of my life,9
Mike
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