PrintJournal 36
11 September, 2015
Sweetheart,
Today is one of those days when the reality of your death is all too clear and it strikes deeply into my innermost being. It’s probably not a good day to write but I need to express where I’m at just now.
This weekend marks five months since your death, my love. Five months. No wonder the sense of permanence is growing stronger. I still wonder at times if this is all a dream. Maybe I’ll wake shortly? But, of course, this is not a dream.
Do you remember when we were in ministry together and some of the expectations that people had of us? We laughed at some and cried at others. (Oh, I just remembered another one!) It was when we were down south and one morning a rather prudish woman who had been overseas for 6 months or so suddenly realised that you were very pregnant with our daughter. Her comment? “Oh, I didn’t think ministers did that sort of thing”! I don’t know here she thought our two sons had come from?!
Anyway, back to the first expectation. It is expected that ministers will never doubt or question God or His Word. They are way past being weak in faith. They are full of dynamic faith. True to their vision. Nothing shall rattle them. They will be pillars of strength in the tough times. Yeah Team!!
Well, I’m at a place now that has got me questioning…again!! It’s not the usual questions that now permeate my thinking: questions re the existence of God and why suffering etc. I’m being intimidated by “What is heaven really like?” “What if there is no heaven?” “Will I ever see Bev again?” “What if she doesn’t exist anymore and her ashes buried at Tumblegum are the only remaining evidence that she was ever here, that she ever existed?”
Yes, I know. I’m not supposed to think that way. After being a Pastor for 40 years I’m never bothered by such immature questions, am I? But even if I struggle with such questions, I dare not own that fact. What would people say? What would people think if I confessed my faith struggle. Maybe some of them would understand.
I can tell you, my love, because you know the answers. You are in heaven which is what I believe….99% of the time. If Jesus is to be believed (and that is at the very heart of these questions,) there is a heaven, God is in heaven. I just have these moments that come from nowhere at the most inopportune time. The time is coming when these questions will have answers, assuming that I will be seeking those answers then, which I doubt, because…..
The one thing I ask of the LORD— the thing I seek most— is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, delighting in the LORD’s perfections and meditating in his Temple. Psalm 27:4 (NLT
Sounds like heaven to me!!
But Until Then
You remain the love of my life
Mike
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