PrintJOURNAL 53
10 November, 2015
Journal 53
Hi Sweetheart,
Do you recall the number of times you urged me to do more exercise, like walking as one example? Well, I went walking this afternoon. Then again, maybe you don’t recall those wishes. And that raises another question that will remain unanswered. i.e. How aware are you (if at all) of what is taking place back here?
I’ve lost count of the number of people who have talked about “Bev looking down on us” or comments to that effect. My reaction to such a possibility is one that they didn’t expect. “I certainly hope not!!” For Bev, to be aware of the condition of this world and to be reminded repeatedly of the imperfections and shortcomings of my own life would be enough to spoil her day! It would certainly spoil mine!
There’s another dimension to bereavement and grief that I haven’t mentioned yet because I’m only just getting in touch with it, now that a regular daily life pattern is beginning to emerge.
Loneliness
This is not the result of an absence of people but rather the absence of one person in particular. There is no shortage of people in my life since I live in a Retirement Village. I play snooker with at least 10 others a few times per week. My neighbours are a friendly lot. Then there’s the friends at the Church where I am an Elder.
No, it’s not that I don’t have friends. It’s that I have lost the one person in my life with whom I shared everything in life. No one knew me like you knew me. Not my parents. Not my children. No one. I could talk with you at a depth that was unique to us. The exclusiveness and intimacy of our relationship can never be replaced by anyone. Of course, it would be totally unreasonable to expect anyone to fulfill that role. You did it beautifully and for that I will be forever grateful.
So, at every other level I have friends aplenty. But at this deep level I had just one friend. People talk about having a soul mate. That was you so far as I’m concerned. And now you’ve gone.
This is the aloneness that hurts so much. I have friends. I will have other friends I suppose as time goes by. But I will never have another you. The challenge now for me is to allow the passage of time to bring acceptance and then adjustment to life without you.
Oh, my love, I don’t know if I am capable of meeting that challenge. The emotional hole called loneliness is so deep and wide. But I owe it to you, to our children and to our many other friends to commit to the challenge.
But Until Then,
You remain the love of my life,
Mike
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